Alice’s Adventures in an Arts Career

I have just started my first grad school application.  Boy, this feels surreal.  I know I’ve talked about doing grad school for nearly three years now.  But, now that I’m actually starting the process, it feels so daunting and it suddenly makes the idea more real than ever.

I still can’t believe I’m actually doing it.  There is so much to do in such a short period of time.  Once again, I have to pull together the sum of my musical and academic experiences and convince people that I am the best candidate for the job. And yet again, the little voices of self-doubt remind me that there must be thousands of others out there who do what I do, only better.  I look at my grades; they are good, but they could be better.  I look at my conducting technique: it’s good, but it could be better.  When they ask what my career aspirations are, what feats of glory do I hope to achieve that would make me worth their investment, I flounder and the only words on my lips are “I want to be a conductor.”

Sigh.  This is exactly how ungrad applications felt over four years go, only much, much worse. But, I’ll keep at them.  In reality, what is the worst that can happen?  They could say no and then I would be in the exact position I am in today, and I’m pretty happy today.  So, I’ll breathe deep, take the plunge and hope for the best.

I still detest applications.

I’ve been meaning to catch up on all the up-dates of various events over the past week.  I had my first Vox Humana rehearsal last week as director and haven’t written about that yet.  I had my first Gondoliers rehearsal last week and still haven’t written about it.  I’ve been published and haven’t written anything more than a quick blurb.  There is plenty to talk about.

Let’s start with the choir.  That first rehearsal was amazing.  Right off the bat, I can’t believe the sound quality of the group and how quickly they pick things up.  I had my rehearsal plans all set, but the sections I thought were going to take a while to get took no time at all.  In addition, I had confidence in what I was doing.  I was prepared and felt like I belonged up in front, which was a really nice feeling.  I enjoy feeling like I know what I’m doing and I’m looking forward to feeling more of that.  In short, I think it’s going to be another very successful Vox Humana season!

On to the Gondoliers.  Rehearsals are fantastic.  It’s a huge group and I’m struggling to remember everyone’s name.  I’m hoping by the end of the run in November I’ll have them all.  The music is great, but like any G&S, it is fast.  Holy lord is it fast!  This score is going to require and ridiculous number of hours in a practice room!  But I knew that going in and it’s something I’m more than willing to do.  I’m just too happy and excited to be in the show.  The past few rehearsals have just been straight singing rehearsals.  We start the blocking and choreography this weekend.  I’m nervous.  I don’t really have a whole lot of dance experience.  But I guess I’m going to get it now.

Well, I think that’s it for now.  I’ll post about the publishing later.

I finished choir auditions this week and I have been surprised and pleased by the turn out.  Barring any unforeseen disasters, we have a choir!  We could still use a couple more singers, epically tenors and an extra base perhaps, but we certainly can mange with what we have.

I’m excited by the diversity of people and musical experiences represented in this year’s group.  True to our mission statement, we really do have people from different styles of music and different experiences.  Of course, that does present a challenge in combining all these perspectives into one cohesive choir, but it’s a challenge I’m thrilled to take on.

We also have our new Assistant Director.  Her name is Anna.  She sang soprano with us last year.  We had a very good sit down meeting this afternoon to discuss the future plans for the choir and I feel really good about some of the things we were talking about.  There are thoughts of doing a competition, increasing our number of performances and expanding our audience base well beyond the music faculty and university.  I think she and I will work well together.

I am nervous about taking the lead with this choir.  I hope I can live up to the president that was set last year by Tim.  But I’m can’t wait to work with this group of people.  I really sensed from each and everyone an excitement for choir.

So, on the eve of season two of The Vox Humana Chamber Choir, I am nervous, excited but I think I’m ready.  Everything is laid out, everything is planned and it’s all set to go.

Slowly, but surely, Vox Humana is coming together.  It’s been a lot of work and a lot of advertising and foot work, but I’m slowly getting the interest from te people I need.  I’ve had a few people express interest in the Assistant Conductor’s position as well as some interest in accompanying.  I’ve found a couple more members, though I’m still terribly low in tenors and basses (oh, the eternal lament of every amateur choir director the world over).

But even still, there is still more to do and things are still a little too up in the air for my comfort.  I’m still terrified it’s all going to come crashing down.

Well, nothing I can do but keep working, and keep flogging the choir to the general community. There are more posters to post, there are more libraries and music schools to hit up, there are more people to talk to and twist arms.

Sigh, I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and poof just hand me a fully balanced 20 member choir, an accompanist and an assistant director. But I guess that’s not likely to happen. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to be like the little red hen and do it myself.

There is some news concerning The Vox Humana Chamber Singers.  I am sad to say that Tim has decided to step back from the choir this year to focus on his masters program.  Also, our wonderful Aaron will also be leaving us to pursue his own graduate work.  This means that I am taking over as the primary director.

I have many mixed feelings about this.  I am excited to be directing the choir this year.  It certainly is a huge opportunity for me to grow as a conductor and it will be good for me to have the challenge of being responsible for a choir.  At the same time I am sad because Tim and Aaron brought so much talent and goodwill to the group.  I am really going to miss them and don’t know how in the world I am going to be able to recreate their magic.  They certainly were more talented and knowledgeable than I and I worry about maintaining the level of excellence that they set last year.

But more than that, I worry about all the managerial and organizational responsibilities that now fall to me.  The business side of any arts project has never been my strong suite.  I sit here with only a month until rehearsals start again and I have a laundry list of chores to complete.  I need to set a new rehearsal day and time, book a rehearsal space, find a new accompanist, audition a new assistant director, recruit new choir members, research and finalize the new repertoire, not to mention practice my conducting and score study.  The conducting I feel I can do, but these bureaucratic loose ends are what worry me.  They are the things I usually avoid because I hate doing them, but now I have no choice.

I suppose it’s good for me, and I know I’ll figure it all out.  I always do.  Besides, these are the things I’m going to have to get used to if conducting is something I want to do for the rest of my life.

I’ve always been told that for every job in life, no matter how much you may enjoy it; there is always %10 that you hate.  This is my 10%.

On the up side, I’ve been searching through some really exciting new rep that I hope we can pull off: maybe some Rachmaninov, maybe some Vitoria. I also intend to give the choir my new published work, “If Thou Wilt, Remember”.  I figured it would be fitting that its first official performance would be with my own choir.

Over all, I can’t wait for the new Vox Humana season to start.  If the choir is even half of what it was last year, we’ll have a wonderful year.  That choir has meant so much to me.  It is the primary reason I decided to stay in London after I graduated.  I have had some of the most amazing musical experiences with that group and have grown so much with them.  I can only hope that I can same the same about this year.

Reading through some old journal entries from a few years ago, I found this one from second year.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Have you ever had one of those moments when suddenly your entire direction in life changes? Yeah, that’s happened to me! It all started because of an awesome choral conducting lecture where we were basically told that you can make a living off of conducting and that it doesn’t have to just be a hobby.  I love conducting and now I learn I could make a living at it?! I’ve spent the past six years of my life convinced I was going into vocal performance and that was it…but now I don’t know what to do. Do I do the performance degree, or do I stay in the education degree?!! Gahhh!

Degree declaration and intent to registrar forms are due next week and I feel like I have to decide in the next 5 days what I’m going to do with the rest of my life!

This was followed two days later by:

Saturday, February 17, 2007

So, I’ve made a choice. I’m not going into the Performance program. I’m staying in Education. That’s that, and now I have to do all the paper work… oh, and sort out my English minor. So what do you know, it seems I can make decisions!

Reading this again, I suddenly remember the stress I felt and the confusion.  I was an absolute mess.  I had had a specific life plan since grade 10.  I knew what I was going to do.  I knew what I was going to be and I knew how I was going to do it… then it all changed.  And I don’t like change.  I am one of those people who likes to feel comfortable.  I like to feel the ground under my feet and see the path clearly before me.  I like knowing where I’m going and what I’m going to do. But then that class changed it all.  It threw a wrench into my carefully laid  plans.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it did.  I think I made the right decision to stay in music Ed rather than try for performance.  I don’t think there is a thing I regret about my undergrad experience.

Looking back, all that stress and anxiety seems so ridiculous, especially the line feel like I have to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life”. Very little has turned out the way I planned.  Since second year, I’ve done things I never thought I would do.  I’ve achieved things I never thought I would.  I’ve ventured into areas of music and art that I never before considered.  Would I have believed it then if someone told me I would be a published composer by the end of fourth year? Or acting in an average of three shows a year?  Probably not.  Why should I stress so much over plans when they inevitably change anyway.

Never mind the fact that the things I do now do not have to control my entire life’s direction.  What I do now is not necessarily going to dictate what I’m going to be doing in 30 years.  Sure the things I do now can opens doors to new opportunities and will shape my reputation- which is why I give my best to anything I do.  I don’t burn bridges.  But they do not have to determine the rest of my life.

Nor do I have to choose between being one thing or another..  I don’t have to choose between conducting and performing.  If this summer has proved anything to me, it’s that I can do it all.  In fact, the reality is, if I want to really make a living as an artist, I’m going to have to be more than one thing.  I’m going to be a conductor, a teacher, a performer and writer…etc.

I think I’m learning to relax a little bit and be less anxious about my career path.  This doesn’t mean I’m going to be lazy about it-certainly not.  But I think all the worry and the pressure to choose between two supposed paths is unnecessary and misguided.

Oh and on a different note, it was interesting to have a specific date attached to one of the turning points in my career.  I can now say that on Saturday, February 17, 2007, I decided whatever else I did I wanted to be a conductor.  And that decision has made all the difference!

This evening was Vox Humana Chamber Choir’s spring concert.  We have officially been together for 8 months, and the progress we have made in the time is astonishing.  Listening to them sing tonight, I was blow away by their sound.  Even since December, Vox has grown by leaps and bound in every aspect of their singing; tuning, blend, interpretation. I am so proud to be a part of this group and I am so proud of each and every member.

This term we did far more difficult repertoire than last term (and last term’s stuff was hard).  We also had less rehearsal time and some issues with scheduling conflicts.  Even with all that, we put together a stimulating, varied, challenging and engaging concert.

The choir is now done for the summer.  In the fall it will live again, one way or another.  The leadership may change a little depending on how much work Tim feels like piling on for himself.  We may switch roles, or we might keep things as they are.  We shall have to see how things pan out. Sadly some of our members will not be returning since they are graduating and moving away.  However, I am hoping some will stay for another great year and we will do another round of auditions for fresh singers in September.

I’m looking forward to the summer and spending time planning for next year.  I want to get a start on choosing new and interesting repertoire.  I was also suggesting to Tim that we join Choirs Ontario, since it will give us access to new music sources, opens up access to workshops and local choir news as well as boost our professional credibility.  I have grand ideas and plans for next year and maybe even the years to follow.  And if the coming years are anything like this past one, I couldn’t imagine having a better and more fulfilled life.

I had the opportunity yesterday to conduct Les Choristes.   This is the school choir that I am in as part of my ensemble requirements for my degree and it is directed by the wonderful Jennifer Moir.  Usually at the end of the year, Jen opens a few rehearsals up to conducting students who wish to conduct the choir and get some feedback.  She made the announcement last week and asked who would be interested.  My hand flew up immediately.

So I had a short conducting workshop with her and the choir lasting roughly 15 minutes.  I haven’t had any formal conducting lessons or workshops in a year, so this was a really great chance for me to have a quick conducting check-up.  It was really wonderful and exactly what I needed.

I was nervous.  Les Choristes is a large choir and I really admire Jen, so standing in front of everyone with her watching had the butterflies fluttering away.  But, everything went great and I got some really positive feedback.

However, what was even more useful were the direction and new ideas Jen was able to give me.  With the short time that we had, we started by focusing on my conducting plane.  It seems I’ve been conducting a little too high which is contributing to some tension in my shoulders and is sending a “high breath” signal to my choir.  As soon as she brought my arms down, I sighed a huge sigh of relief.  I was told by a previous conducting teacher that I needed to raise my arms up and out for  breadth and space, but I have always felt the tension and had some issues with maintaining simplicity and ease in my gesture .   This new suggestion is really welcomed and will be something that I’m definitely going to experiment with.

The second area we worked on was my prep beat.  Again, my prep beat has always started at the plane and gone up.  Jen suggested I experiment with dropping it below and bouncing up in a cyclical motion.  This really threw my brain through a loop.  I would never have considered going below the plane.  I never knew that was “allowed”. But then again, Jen has always been one for experimenting with the rules for the sake of ease and simplicity.  This new drop down idea, she pointed out, reflects the very breath action we want our singers to take.  How, she asked, can we swing our hands up and expect our singers to drop their diaphragms and breathe low?  Again, such a simple idea, and very much in line with my own approach and understanding of conducting.

It really does take another set of eyes to see the areas that need work.  As much as I can practice in front of mirrors, I will always miss details.  Workshops and lessons give me that chance for honest feedback and the exploration of new ideas and new ways of doing.

I have come away from my 15 minutes with several things to work on.  I’m looking forward to getting back to Vox Humana and experimenting.  It was a quick tune up, but so valuable.  It keeps me from getting complacent and stuck in my ways and challenges me to keep experimenting and improving.

I just returned from the Music for a Cure concert at the Colborne United Church.  Vox Humana performed exceedingly well.  Both Tim and I are really pleased.  It’s a good sign for our upcoming spring concert.

I was most impressed with the blend. Actually, I was having a hard time believing it.  The sound was so smooth and warm.  No part stood out over another (and with only 2 basses at certain times).  Or at least this was my experience while conducting the Ave Verum Corpus, and that piece lends itself well to good blending.  I received many comments from audience members and members of the other choral groups performing who madethe same observation.  Other people commented on our interesting selection of repertoire and liked that we did more earlier works. So congratulations Vox.

 Speaking of the Ave Verum Corpus, I have decided that piece just has to be done with organ (or better yet a full orchestra). Because a piano is a decaying instrument, you just can’t take the peice slow without losing the support under the choir.  But with the sustained organ, we could take it much slower and gentler than ever before and still have a cushion of sound underneath the help carry the choir through the long phrases.  We were able to really draw out the phrases and sink into the lush harmony unlike ever before.  I really enjoyed it.

This was only our second concert and it was  a great success.  Congratulations Vox.  See you all tomorrow!

I came to be involved with Jonathan Blankenstein’s Facebook: The Musical through Q1 Hamlet.  My percussionist, Jacky,who was also playing kit in Jon’s pit band, asked if I would be interested in conducting for his show.  Two e-mails and one meeting later and I was Facebook’s new band director.

The show was a wildly fun pop-musical following the trials and tribulations of four university students as they navigate their way through their first year.  Though the style was high energy pop, it was by no means simple.  The score was probably one of the most complex and difficult scores I have worked with to date.  But it was also so much fun.  Once everything was pieced together it was all I could do to stop myself from dancing up at the front. 

The band consisted of two pianos, two violins, trumpet, sax, guitar, base and drum kit, plus four singers.  The musicians were simply some of the best people you could ever ask to work with.  Rehearsal time was short (we pulled it all together in roughly 3 weeks), the music was difficult, and co-ordinating schedules wasn’t always the easiest. Yet every time we rehearsed I was excited and energized, even after three hour sessions in cramped basements or student housing living rooms.  The combination of the people, the music and the talent was intoxicating.  It was a shame we only had one performance.  I left that show wanting more. 

Again, the level of success and enjoyment in a show comes down to the people involved.  Each member of this show was so good natured, talented and easy going.  We rehearsed long hours,  the music was hard andwe had only one run through. There were so many places where things could have gone completly wrong, where emotions could have boiled over, where the whole thing could have fallen apart, but it didn’t. This was because of the integrity of the group. This show was not work; it was play.  So thank you to Jon and everyone in Facebook: The Musical.  I wish you all luck on your respective up coming peformances.