Alice’s Adventures in an Arts Career

Yesterday was the start of my Stratford courses…and so far I am loving every minute of them.  It is a jam packed schedule and as I suspected I am surrounded by amazing, talented actors.

We saw Juliua Caesar today, and what a wonderful show it was.   Tomorrow, we see Macbeth with Colm Feore.

In class, we are being guided through many different exercises and techniques.  I am not used to formal exercises.  I have not been in a drama class since high school and my spontaneity and ability to isolate my skills into a short and focuses exercise are rather rusty.  Up until now, I’ve really only learned by doing shows- by throwing myself  in the deep end.  I am not used to exploring technique and I must admit I feel rather oafish and clumsy right now as I try to find my voice.

I am still feeling appehensive and  self-conscious about my abilities, but I’m pushing through.  I refuse to let insecruities lessen this experience or take away from the learning potential.

Well, tomorrow is the big day.  I start my Stratford courses tomorrow.  For the next three weeks I’m going to be commuting everyday to Stratford and immersing myself in acting, theatre and Shakespeare.  I’ve been looking forward to this all summer.

But… I’m terrified.  This is going to be my first experience with formal acting training.  I’m going to be working with students who are coming from post-secondary theatre programs and have been studying acting for years.  They know what they are doing.  What do I know?  I know only what I’ve figure out while fumbling my way through school shows.  I’m going to be putting myself out there for critique and while I’m certainly no stranger to critique, I still don’t like it. So, I’m nervous, but I’m also excited.

As with my intercession course I took earlier this summer, I have high hopes for this course.  I hope to come away a better, more natural, expressive and versatile actor.  I hope to learn the skills I need to bring any character to life and create engaging, provocative and genuine performances.   I hope to not fall flat on my face or embarrass myself.  I hope to leave feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride in my abilities.

It’s going to be a lot of work, and a lot of time, but in short I have high hopes.   I’ll post more as things unfold.

Reading through some old journal entries from a few years ago, I found this one from second year.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Have you ever had one of those moments when suddenly your entire direction in life changes? Yeah, that’s happened to me! It all started because of an awesome choral conducting lecture where we were basically told that you can make a living off of conducting and that it doesn’t have to just be a hobby.  I love conducting and now I learn I could make a living at it?! I’ve spent the past six years of my life convinced I was going into vocal performance and that was it…but now I don’t know what to do. Do I do the performance degree, or do I stay in the education degree?!! Gahhh!

Degree declaration and intent to registrar forms are due next week and I feel like I have to decide in the next 5 days what I’m going to do with the rest of my life!

This was followed two days later by:

Saturday, February 17, 2007

So, I’ve made a choice. I’m not going into the Performance program. I’m staying in Education. That’s that, and now I have to do all the paper work… oh, and sort out my English minor. So what do you know, it seems I can make decisions!

Reading this again, I suddenly remember the stress I felt and the confusion.  I was an absolute mess.  I had had a specific life plan since grade 10.  I knew what I was going to do.  I knew what I was going to be and I knew how I was going to do it… then it all changed.  And I don’t like change.  I am one of those people who likes to feel comfortable.  I like to feel the ground under my feet and see the path clearly before me.  I like knowing where I’m going and what I’m going to do. But then that class changed it all.  It threw a wrench into my carefully laid  plans.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it did.  I think I made the right decision to stay in music Ed rather than try for performance.  I don’t think there is a thing I regret about my undergrad experience.

Looking back, all that stress and anxiety seems so ridiculous, especially the line feel like I have to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life”. Very little has turned out the way I planned.  Since second year, I’ve done things I never thought I would do.  I’ve achieved things I never thought I would.  I’ve ventured into areas of music and art that I never before considered.  Would I have believed it then if someone told me I would be a published composer by the end of fourth year? Or acting in an average of three shows a year?  Probably not.  Why should I stress so much over plans when they inevitably change anyway.

Never mind the fact that the things I do now do not have to control my entire life’s direction.  What I do now is not necessarily going to dictate what I’m going to be doing in 30 years.  Sure the things I do now can opens doors to new opportunities and will shape my reputation- which is why I give my best to anything I do.  I don’t burn bridges.  But they do not have to determine the rest of my life.

Nor do I have to choose between being one thing or another..  I don’t have to choose between conducting and performing.  If this summer has proved anything to me, it’s that I can do it all.  In fact, the reality is, if I want to really make a living as an artist, I’m going to have to be more than one thing.  I’m going to be a conductor, a teacher, a performer and writer…etc.

I think I’m learning to relax a little bit and be less anxious about my career path.  This doesn’t mean I’m going to be lazy about it-certainly not.  But I think all the worry and the pressure to choose between two supposed paths is unnecessary and misguided.

Oh and on a different note, it was interesting to have a specific date attached to one of the turning points in my career.  I can now say that on Saturday, February 17, 2007, I decided whatever else I did I wanted to be a conductor.  And that decision has made all the difference!

My Stratford Shakespeare courses start next week and already they are drama filled…and not in the good way.  I’ve been struggling to manage the schedule of the two courses, Voice & Text and Shakespeare in Performance, with the two family weddings that are happing at the very same time.  One wedding is in Vancouver, the other in Toronto.  Needless to say, neither of those two places is London or Stratford.  I’m going to be running all over the country for three weeks.   I’ve been trying to find a way to minimize the number of days I am away from my courses and attend as many of the wedding events as I can.

It’s driving me crazy.  I have been looking forward to these courses for months now. They represent a huge opportunity for me to grow as an actor.  At the same time I’ve also been looking forward to these two weddings for nearly a year now and absolutely can not miss them (especially since I’m singing in one of them).  This is the first time that two equally important and fantastic events have clashed in my life.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been put in this situation of having to choose or struggle to satisfy two equal opportunities.  It’s also the first time that my career and my family life have been at odds, and I don’t much like the feeling.

How do I choose between the art I love and the people I love?  I like it much better when the two happily land together.  Sigh.

But at any rate, I think I’ve found a reasonable solution.  It’s not ideal.  I’m still going to miss two days of classes, including the opening performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream and a backstage production/design workshop.  And I won’t be able to attend all the wedding events I want.  But I will be there for the important ones.  I’m also going to be travelling all over the country and in a constant state of motion.  I’m not sure when I’m going to get to rest, but I doubt it will be until after these courses are done.  But I’m still so excited and I’m young; I have all the energy in the world to be in three different places at once.

I can’t wait for next week.  As with the intercession course I took in May, I know I’m going to have the chance to process and explore my art like I’ve never done before and I so excited.

It was a really good day for performances today.  It was the final day of my awesome Vocal Arts Intercession course and we had our class recital.  I performed “Non so piu” from The Marriage of Figaro.  I was really pleased with my performance.  It was probably one of my best runs of the piece to date, though of course the rehearsal before went better.  I am very proud of myself.  I feel I was able to pull together all the changes that have happened to my voice over the past 6 weeks and create something quite impressive.  I’m feeling good.

However, as soon as I took my bow and left the stage, I was out the door and off to a Shrew rehearsal.  This was also a really good performance.  We’ve been doing full runs of the show now for a couple of days and tonight’s was the best so far, though of course there is still plenty of work left before our opening night next Tuesday.  I still have to fully flush out my characters a little more and create more dynamic performances.  However, I feel I’m on the right track and am close to my goal.

I think all should be ready for Tuesday.  Or at least as ready as anything ever can be before an opening night. I never feel completely ready, and I’m a firm believer that one shouldn’t.  Over rehearsal can be as damaging to a show as under-rehearsal.  But I don’t think we’re in any trouble of either happening to us next week (knock on wood)

Oh and the set is coming along nicely.  It’s taken far more time than I anticipated, though I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised.  We’ve run into a couple logistical problems that have yet to be solved, but they will be as soon as I can get to a hardware store and buy the necessary equipment to fix the problem.

It’s all the little lose ends that are standing in our way now.  Oh how I hate little loose ends.  I think I’ve written about them before.  They don’t just plague me in my composing, but in all areas of my artistic life.  Oh well, I still have a couple days to get everything tied up before we open to the public. Opening night is Tuesday June 23rd at 7:30 pm.

So in short, I’m feeling good.  My intercession was amazing, but over; Shrew is coming along and almost ready and I am extremely tired.  But fulfilled.

With my intersession course being just past the halfway mark, I thought I’d do a little check-in and update on how things are going. In short, they have been absolutely amazing. The progress I’ve made and am continuing to make has been astounding and I’ve learned so much about the anatomy, physics and practical application of the human voice. I should have been taking this course every summer.

This week was the switch from Porf. Torin Chiles to Prof. Ted Baerg. Just as I got used to Prof. Chile’s technique and teaching style, I am once again confronted by another new pedagogical approach and once again am feeling a little unsure and lost in some of the new technique. But nowhere near as lost of unsure as I was during the first week.

I am loving Ted. He has been able to pull things out of my voice that I never knew I was capable of. I was singing away up on high C’s and D’s today with no problem at all. I used to crack a G. Now that note is a cakewalk and just pours out of me like it were melted butter. I have been finding more and more consistency in my voice and the vast improvements that have taken place over the past 3 weeks continue to strengthen at quite an astonishing rate. I feel as if I have an entirely new voice and it just keeps getting better.

I almost can’t keep up with myself. My perception of my voice and its actual sound no longer reflect one another. They are out of sync. My voice is sounding infinitely better than I expect it to before I open my mouth. Though I’ve always tended to suffer from this kind of self-underestimation. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking there must be a catch. Things can’t be going this well this fast. It’s all a little disorienting. But nice… very nice.

The two teaching styles I have received from this course are quite different from one another, and both are quite different than the approach I have been accustom to for the past three years from Rachel. It’s been one heck of a learning experience. In the first couple lessons with each new teacher, I find myself just getting used to a new set of terminology, imagery and a working dynamic. It’s a wonder that much of anything can be accomplished in the short time we all have together. Usually these sots of student/teacher relationships take a while to build. But in this type of environment, we have so little time. I find I have to take a deep breath and jump right in with both feet.

At any rate, I’m completely enjoying myself. The first week was really really tough. There were some really low moments and a couple long cries, but after that everything seems to have taken off. I’m flying high and hoping it doesn’t stop.

Of course it’ll be harder when the course ends and I no longer have the constant lessons and guidance. But that won’t be for another two and a half weeks. Who knows what I could accomplish by then?!

It’s amazing how much can change in a matter of a couple weeks.  After a rather confusing and frustrating start to this intersession course, I seem to have suddenly and unknowingly turned a major corner in my singing over the weekend.  Last week I was feeling quite discourage about my voice after an extremely frustrating week of lessons and a dismal masterclass performance.  I felt as if I was sounding years behind my actually experience level and not worthy to even call myself a singer.  I couldn’t seem to grasp the technique that was being taught.  Then, after a weekend of practicing, mostly for that disastrous audition, I came back and apparently brought a brand new voice with me.

I wish I could explain what the difference is, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure.  All I know is that it’s different and it’s good.  Things that caused me huge frustrations are now somehow easier.  I have high notes I never though I’d have.  I have a clarity and resonance of tone I never thought I’d have.  I have consistent vibrancy and a vastly improved evenness of registers. But I’m not sure I know what I’m doing different.  Everyone says it’s like the light bulb has gone off for me, but there was no light bulb.  There was not Eureka moment, no pure moment of clarity or insight.  I just went into the weekend with one voice and came back with another.

Now, it’s not like I’m complaining.  This is the very thing I’ve been sweating and crying over (quite literally) for years now.  But I really need to figure out what it is that has been making this difference, if for no other reason than to make sure that I never lose it.  But for now I’m just reveling in this new sound.  I couldn’t be happier and hope against hope that it’s here to stay.

Next week we switch from having Torin Chiles as the course vocal coach to Ted Baerg, which means once again I’ll be switching to a new style of teaching.  I’m hoping that my progress keeps going in this positive direction under new care.  However, I really wish I could spend just a couple more weeks with Prof. Chiles.  I’m now really enjoying his technical approach.  I just want more now.

I’m now in my second week of my six week Vocal Arts course. I have some form of vocal coaching or lesson nearly everyday with 4 hours of masterclass a week and a lot of practicing.  So far things have been going well though very different.

I’ve been working with Torin Chiles and his style is very different than I’ve been used to.  His approach is very technical and detail oriented.  I am not used to so many anatomical and physiological terms or references to 16th century Italian treatises.  It is a very different experience to be sure, but a good one.

Right now I feel as if the ground has been pulled out from under me and I’m muddling my way through brand new territory.  It’s not something I necessarily enjoy.  I don’t like feeling unsure and lost.  I like knowing exactly where I stand with something.  I like feeling like I know what I’m doing and right now I certainly do not as I’m fumble around with this new perspective.  However, despite my anxieties, I know it’s good for me and while I can’t nessessarily hear my own progress, I apparently am making it. I’d just like to stop feeling like I’m flowndering and let my toe  to touch the bottom of the pool … just a little.

Tomorrow I start my Vocal Arts intersession course.   I’m excited but also really nervous about it.  It’s going to be a lot of work.  I’ll be working with new vocal teachers and surrounded by singers I KNOW are better than I am.  I’m going to struggle just to keep my head above water, I think.  However, I think the payoff will be great.  I’m hoping to make some good progress.  So, wish me luck and I’m sure I’ll post updates on my progress as I go through this 6 weeks of getting my ass kicked.

Well, I finished my last jury today, and none of the disasters from dreams happen, so that is good.  In fact, I think it went very well.

I also did an audition for the Summer Shakespeare and the UWO fall play.  Th audition was a series of cold readings, which I hate.  I’m awful at cold readings.  My tongue just sticks on every word as I simply try to process the text on the page.  So I’m not sure I was able to give a very “emotive” performance. But I guess all I can do is sit and wait now.  I’ll be crossing my fingers.  I really want to be in the Summer Shakespeare.  They’re performing The Taming of the Shrew. This is one of my top favourite Shakespeare plays and  several of the actors from last year’s show will be involve.  It would be wonderful to work with them again.  Last summer was one of the best theatrical experiences of my life and I’d love to capture some of that again.  So, I’m holding my breath and hoping.